A very exciting email from someone who just couldn't remain nameless!
Dear Captain Buttons;
Over the last few weeks I've been watching people hook up, flirt, get into relationships, etc, and I myself have had no opportunities for such debauchery. That isn't my problem. My problem is that I don't care about it. This worries me-- I know to get into a relationship I have to take initiative, but I really don't care that much. It's worrying-- I'm not sure if love is worth all the effort, and I'm sure that feeling like that isn't normal. Captain Buttons, can you assuage my angst?
--
Confused Asexual Not Trained
Lethargic? apathetic? languid? not sure love is worth the effort? this doesn't mean you have a problem - this means you are Morrissey! Welcome to Everything's Alright my fourth gendered friend.
I am not sure why you are having a crisis of confidence now when you have ridden the asexual ship so splendidly for the last few decades, but to advice you on this matter, well the pleasure the privilege is mine (sorry M, couldn't resist).
OK, down to business. Or not. The choice is yours CANT (I'll keep calling you that for the sake of anonymity ok Morrissey?). In my seafaring days I have to admit most of us sailors were obsessed with frigging in the rigging, but every now and then, we'd pick up a coxswain, who played a different tune on his hornpipe (and by different, I mean non-existent, this new hand would keep his flute firmly tucked in his trousers and nerre a once take it out and raise it to his lips)
At first this behaviour seemed odd to the crew of us, but one day I took this particular mariner astern and we sat down to talking. My new shipmate (let's call him George shall we?) explained that he had never had the urges that those around him seemed to revel in. This crewman confided in me that he would rather have a cup of tea than have sex...hmmm, well that's nice for you - i thought (wouldn't suit this particular button though, the buttons in my line carry the heavy burden of awe inspiring sexual prowess - fact, we buttons are the titan's of the lovemaking world, and it is a duty not to let down my button brothers and sisters in this arena).
Anyway, years passed, George transferred onto another frigate, and I heard no more of him til a couple of years ago - "George" was making a front page splash, not for his lifetime of steady, commendable coxswaining, no, but because he'd been arrested for keeping a unwilling gimp in his basement.
So my dear CANT, here is the upside to your problem - you are obviously a massive sexual deviant, but you are keeping yourself in check by turning off your turning on switch. You may not turn your on-switch on for many more years, but that's ok - because in that time CANT, i implore you, do your research, learn from the mistakes of others - soundproof your basement or better yet build your dungeon off the grid...nicely hidden in the some remote mountain range in the Azores.
George had a really rough time, going from sexual zero to eleven in one foul swoop - don't let the same happen to you...these sweet, numb years are a time for you to make blueprints to a wonderfully sordid future. For now bide your time CANT, for later you can then bind your bottom in confidence!
Much love, I really am a huge fan,
CB
No comments:
Post a Comment